My good friend, Shalagh of http://shalavee.com posted an interesting piece today. The wheels started spinning in my head rather quickly because I’ve been examining a lot of my own behaviors lately, and by lately I mean always. Self-awareness is an endless process as who we are becoming is ever-evolving. We are an ever-moving target. I think sometimes that people see me in the moments where I’m not my best. I don’t really try to hide things, I don’t tend to walk around with a poker face. Every once in while I’ll paint a smile on my face, but for the most part what you see is what you get. They don’t see the moments where I am laughing, making someone else laugh. When I gather with those who comprise that safe inner circle, I feel as though I can let down my guard, and some days are better than others.
So, we all feel this way. Yes. Absolutely. To the nth degree. It is unlikely that most humans in the course of their life have not experienced the broad spectrum of human emotion, the disappointment in the things that we don’t want, the ecstatic joy in the things that we do want, the things that make us feel like gods or demons.
My heart is a fragile thing (We all feel this way.) and so I tend to put it away, keep it away. It is a big thing when I let it out to play. Acceptance is difficult for me, because of many factors that made me feel less worthy. We all feel this way. Because someone told us “You’ll never…” or “You’re always…” or “You’re just weird…” or “You are so odd” or “Why would you want to do that?” Because someone neglected us, abused us, made us feel less important than eveything else, because we weren’t unique enough, because we didn’t try hard enough to be like everyone else. We all feel this way.
I find it hard to use my voice, to speak out. One of the biggest fears for most people is public speaking. I can speak in front of people, I can even bomb at it and I survive…and I’ll do it again. I go to open mics and pour out my poetry, showing my innermost…just putting it out there on display. It took a long time to find people who were really interested in what I had to say. I think deep, talk deep, live deep. Yes there is the weather…every day, and I may remark on it, may write about it,but… You can bet you are more likely to hear from me about the breathtaking beauty of a murmuration of starlings against the sunrise rather than a “Wow, it is freezing.” We all feel this way. We all lose and win and breathe and eat and sleep and cry and laugh and die. We all feel this way. Thank you, ShalaVee.
And I will hand the credit for this eureka moment straight over to Miss Sue Simmons. But the most simplest ahas can be profound. I busted myself last year while doing an exercise form a book I was reading/working through, that I had used my screwed up parents as an excuse for as long as I could remember. The blame on their dysfunction deflected the judgement of my dysfunction I guess. But in understanding that we’re all human and messed up in our own rights allowed me to drop that shield and see the world as a collection of messed up humans. Two of which happened to get together and make me. Humanity needs forgiveness not shields.
Love Ya’,
Shalagh
Oh, please do share the book. Yes, in working through those old stories we need to let go of the old narratives that keep us from moving on. Clarity is coming as more things fall away. Thank you and thank Sue. 🙂